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This is how we do it I rarely allow myself to have an orgasm

Mila and I have been together for nine years, but our sex life hasn’t dwindled. That’s partly because I do something unusual in bed: I rarely allow myself to have an orgasm. Mila and I have sex up to four times a week but I only ejaculate five to six times a year. Because I’m not orgasming, I am constantly aroused. This can be a little overwhelming, but mostly it’s fun.

Mila and I met when we were both recovering from divorces. By the time we separated, my wife and I were behaving more like siblings than lovers. I was determined not to slip into the same pattern with my next partner. The decision to not ejaculate is part of that. When Mila and I have sex, it’s about more than a quick release. When Mila orgasms, it’s more of a happy accident than a goal.

Usually we have sex in the morning for about 25 minutes before our children wake up, and neither of us will climax. The point is simply to connect. Because we don’t “finish” the sexual energy stays in flux between us. Afterwards, I will lie in bed and watch her doing something really mundane, like putting on her socks, but it will feel erotic. If we maintain eye contact while she puts them on it’s like we’re still having sex.

Consistently resisting orgasms is something I only started doing with Mila – but I’ve been toying with the idea since my 20s. In Daoist philosophy, they conceptualise the male orgasm as a loss of “chi”, life-force energy. For decades, I have been aware that after I ejaculate I experience a massive dip in mood, which causes me to emotionally withdraw from my partner. Lots of men experience this withdrawal: like the classic image of the man ejaculating and then rolling over and falling asleep. I believe that if a man resists orgasm, he can make his relationships with women more equal, because he won’t feel the urge to detach after sex. I’m evangelical about not coming: I think the world would be a more peaceful place if all men didn’t ejaculate.